Thursday, May 15, 2008

I need therapy.

homework, top chef, ben & jerry

I have to come clean here. I have a problem and it's called food. Hi, my name is Jen, and I'm a foodaholic. It's been going on for years and years. I know what I'm not supposed to eat but I eat it anyway. It's compulsive. I do it when I'm bored, frustrated, tired, sick, sad, happy, or pretty much any time. I know it's wrong. I know I'm damaging my body. So why, you may be asking, do I do this to myself? Excellent question, I wish I knew the answer. As you can see from this photo, tonight I'm home, watching Top Chef, researching fonts, and eating Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream. It's my favorite. And let me tell you, this pint (yes I ate the whole thing) was the best one EVER. There was so much cookie in there.... to die for. Perhaps literally. Nah, that's a little morbid!

But seriously, how many of you out there put on a brave face and act like you're the poster child of good health, only to hide in your bedroom by yourself scarfing down a pint of B&J's? I'm not bulimic, I don't binge and purge or anything like that, but sometimes I think what I do is just as destructive, especially in light of the fact that I have ulcers in my intestines. I talk all day long about what I'm supposed to be eating, then I eat all the wrong things and complain about how horrible I feel afterwards. WHY? Because ice cream makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's comforting. I love comfort food. It's the comfort food that's destroying my insides. It makes me crazy that I have to give them up. I truly, really, honestly do not want to be sick anymore. I'm slowly breaking the cycle. Knowing that I still have a week left before I visit with The Doc is what's keeping me in this pattern. I know that until I have an actual diagnosis, not just a "it looks like it might be", then I will keep eating poorly, despite the fact that it makes me feel bad. I've been dealing with these issues for almost 15 years or more. I'm used to having a stomach ache, so it's just not enough for me to change my eating habits until I have specific doctor's orders. Does that sound crazy to you? Yeah, it sounds crazy to me too.

So now what do I do? Stop making excuses for myself. Stop hiding in my room and eating ice cream. Stop the vicious cycle.

I found out today that one of my customers is going through all the same things that I am going through. Sucks, sorry to hear it, hope you figure it out and get better soon!

Wow, the guy in the photo just got voted off. Ouch. I liked him, sorry to see him go!

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