My head is spinning.

I spent most of the weekend reading about Crohn's disease and organisms and antibodies and the specific carb diet (again?!?!) and life without bread and I've been emailing back and forth with AJ and he's just about rocked my world. I started getting sick 15 years ago, progressively getting worse until the first ER visit back in the fall of 07, followed by 2 more in 08, and finally a Crohn's diagnosis. I started the gluten free journey in 06 when I thought I might have Celiac. In the last few months, after feeling better on prescription drugs, I gave up caring about my diet anymore. I just wanted my life to go back to normal, and for the most part, it did. But... I still don't have the same energy that I used to. I rarely workout anymore. I run out of breath just walking up a flight of stairs. My hips still often ache and I break out in cystic acne after eating too much sugar (I think it's sugar, still unsure). I'm still using steroids as the excuse for why I've gained so much weight... even though I've been off of them for over a year.

So where's my head at now? Well, my body is saying to clean up my diet. My head says "UGHHHHHH". Going gluten free is easy, that's not the issue. It's cutting way back on starch, because this is the Crohn's problem, not Celiac. My mom used to say that she hoped I didn't have Celiac because it would be so difficult to maintain a gluten free lifestyle. HA! I say now. Oh to just be a Celiac! To cut out gluten and be fine and not have to worry about sugars and dairy and whatever else makes me gassy, crampy, poopy, not poopy, weak, tired, achy... my goodness. I know there are many of you out there that know what I mean and I'm not by ANY means trying to make light of having Celiac disease. Absolutely not at all. I'm just whining because I just feel like whining. If I could just go out and buy some Kinnikinnick donuts well that would be just fine, but I can't. Believe me, I stood at the freezer case this evening wishing I could.

I am the first person to proclaim to be an advocate for healing through diet, and I'm also the first to cheat on said diet. I'm tired, literally and figuratively. I do want to heal myself, not just suppress my symptoms with drugs. It's just that every time I get to this point, where I'm ready to do it, I sit here and think.... what the heck will I eat???? Eggs. It's all I ever eat. Steak and chicken and fish and pork. Some fruit, veggies, a little rice, potatoes. Eating like a caveman perhaps. It's healthy, and it just might be the thing that puts my CD into remission. And maybe I'll get back to the gym. And maybe I'll lose this weight. It's mind over matter here and since I'm not working, I have plenty of time to plan out my meals. Now's the time to just do it. I'm glad I have this place to talk it out and get support. Thanks to you all that have stuck around :)