Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What a difference a day makes....

Yesterday I was thinking about updating. Saying how awesome I've been feeling. The workouts, the energy. Today I slept til noon, then I woke up and decided to watch Funny People, about Adam Sandler getting cancer. In the middle of the movie, The Doc calls and tells me my white blood cell count has dropped and he wants me to come in Monday for another round of bloodwork. It's 3.2. That's too low. He says not to stop my meds but come in right away and call him after so we can go over the results. This is what the meds do, they lower my WBC counts to suppress my immune system, to keep my Crohn's in check. I have bloodwork once a month exactly for this reason. My levels have stayed steady, between 4 and 5 for months and months. It jumped to 10 in September when I had a UTI. A drop like this is bad. I am highly suseptible to infection. Which is strange because I have felt healthier lately than I have been in years. I'm sure it's just the meds. Working overtime. But I've been worried all along that these meds were a bad idea. Knowing how many people have healed themselves naturally. I've said this all along. What do I do? Do I say enough, I'm done with medication? I am very curious to see what happens on Monday. Well, can't let it get to me, nothing I can do at the moment.

You know what though? This is what bothers me. They are watching me to make sure I don't get cancer. All along they say you have to be careful because your immune system is suppressed and you are more prone to infection... but the reality is, they are worried that I might get cancer. Every day I worry that one of my blood tests is going to come back funky and it's going to be cancer. And today is that day when I get the call that the blood tests are funky and you have to come in right away because we are worried. I've had a swollen lymph node in my neck since September. It gets bigger, it gets smaller, I worry, but my bloodwork has been fine so I just ignore it. Then I get the call. I've had a lump in my groin for years, and the doctors say it's nothing to worry about, but almost every day I check it to make sure it's not getting bigger. Sometimes it's sore but usually not so I don't worry about it.

I'm sorry to be so candid and morbid, but I've always been honest here. There are only a couple of people that I know in "real life" that read this, so this is a somewhat safe place for me to write. My Mom doesn't read it, because if she did, she'd freak out. My life is so good right now. I've been so happy. I'm unemployed but that doesn't matter, everything else is awesome. My two best friends in the world are pregnant. I'm going to be an auntie for the first time. This weekend I went to see my favorite band in the whole world and I met them for the second time and they remembered me and we had drinks and it was amazing. I went to a party with friends and didn't worry about drama or issues, I just had so much fun and things are good and I am so incredibly happy for the first time in a really really really long time. So why do I have to be sick. Why do I have to spend every day worrying about what I eat, and what meds I take and how I'm going to feel when I do this or that or the other thing. Why do I avoid dating because I'm afraid to show someone what I really go through. Why do I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?

I don't think I have cancer, don't get me wrong, I'm not spiraling down the self-pity I might have cancer dark hole. I am just frustrated. I am angry and annoyed and I just want to be healthy and normal and not have to worry about the inner-workings of my digestive system, or how many white blood cells I have, or how my liver is functioning. Most days I accept that this is my life and I get on with it. I love my life, the disease actually helps me keep things in perspective. The bad days are bad, but the good days are amazing and there are so many more good days to come. On Thanksgiving, my cousin is going to announce to my family that she's pregnant, and my 8 and a half month pregnant sister just might get so excited that she goes into labor. And my other cousin's 1 and a half year old son is going to help make the announcement. A new generation is starting and the next phase of life is happening and I am so excited about it and no bloodwork result is going to get me down. Again, sorry for the tough post, but I had to talk to someone and you all understand what I'm talking about. Thanks for being here and reading. On Monday I find out about the bloodwork and on Tuesday I'm hoping to find out more on that job I've been going after. Send some good vibes my way ok? I'd appreciate it.

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